I'm standing in the way of me

I am not been of a dreamer when it comes to big things I want to do with my life. Oh...I definitely do my share of daydreaming, but I tend to leave it at that. I snap out of it and get back to reality. I don't know that I have always been this way, but I have for awhile.

In the previous post I mentioned a "disagreement" Philip and I had. During that "disagreement" the subject of dreams came up. Philip is much more of a dreamer than I am. He doesn't let all the little details it takes to make a dream really happen bog him down. After hearing about some of the dreams he has, I started to think that maybe I just am not ambitious enough to have any dreams. I couldn't think of any big dreams I had like he did.

Then I realized something. I don't let myself dream because I know that once I let an idea take hold of me, I get really attached...and if it doesn't work out then I get really let down. I'm sure I am not the only one this way. Maybe this has just happened to me one too many times and that is why I don't really allow myself to dream big anymore. If I don't see it actually being able to happen, then I don't dream about it.

I also can come up with a million excuses as to why I shouldn't dream big. We may not have enough money. What about when we want to have kids? I don't even know how to begin. I don't have the time. I just need to graduate and get a steady job. I wouldn't be good at it. And the list goes on...

Although these are all reasons I don't let myself dream, the biggest reason I don't dream big is because of fear. I know that if I let myself really formulate a dream and plan it out, then I have no excuse as to why I shouldn't go for it....except being afraid. I am afraid of trying for my dreams and then failing. I'm afraid I will have no idea what I am doing. I'm afraid nobody will come.

Now, getting back the conversation Philip and I were having....
He asked me what my dreams were. At first I couldn't think of any. Then I started to allow myself to access those dreams that I had pushed away in fear. I had shared one of them with him previously, but the other I had never told him. I was scared to tell him because I knew once I spoke it out loud, then it was real. I told him anyway.

After hearing his encouragement of my dreams, I realized how much I had been standing in the way of myself. More importantly, I had been standing in the way of what God wants to do with me. The past few days I have come to believe that God is the one who planted those dreams in me. He has been putting little encouragements and reminders all around me about dreams since I had that conversation with Philip.

The next morning during my quiet time, God nudged me. I've been reading a book about the Proverbs 31 woman. The chapter I happened to be on was titled "A Field of Dreams." I think God knows I need things to be right in front of my nose...and there it was. The chapter was all about how the Proverbs 31 woman dreams big and then goes after her dreams when the time is right. I was thinking, "Ok God, you want me to keep dreaming about these ideas I have..."

Later that day I turned on the TV and "King of Queens" was on. The episode was about Doug's long-time dream of opening a sandwich shop and how he was scared to do it at first. Then he started to really let himself dream about it and realized he could do it. I didn't get to finish the epidsode, so don't spoil it for me if it turned out that he didn't open it. Knowing the show, I kind of doubt that he did. But that is not the point. The point is that it was just one more little nudge toward my dreams.

By this time I was really beginning to think that maybe God really had a plan for this dream of mine. The icing on the cake came yesterday when Philip told me that Denver Seminary is offering a a class this summer for the first time on the exact thing I've been dreaming about.

Ok God, I get it.

So now that I've told you all that, I am going to actually share with you one of my dreams. Last summer I was thinking of ways Philip and I could combine my passion for counseling and his passion for the outdoors. We've talked about how cool it would be to work together and do ministry together. Well, here comes my dream. I want Philip and I to do wilderness therapy together. He would do the guiding aspect of the trips and I would do the therapy part of the trips. I've dreamed of us starting our own company and taking people struggling with various things on these trips. How cool would it be to take a hurting and broken family on the trail and use the outdoors to begin to bring them back together! Is there a better place to do therapy than God's creation?

I've thought of a million reasons this wouldn't work out, but Philip came up with a million reasons why it would. He loved the idea. An even bigger dream we came up with was to write a book about wilderness therapy from a Christian perspective. Wilderness therapy is a relatively new field and there is a lot of room to pave the way for something that could be really great.

So there, I did it. I shared. I am letting myself actually believe that this is something we could do together. I'm still hesitant, but not as hesitant as I was 4 days ago. Who knows what God will do?